Meatloaf 3:15 And Performance Reviews

Yesterday, I bumped into my boss in a corridor at work, five minutes before quitting time.

“Oh, I was looking for you to sign your annual performance evaluation.”

“Now?”

“Yes, it will only take a few minutes. Wait here while I go to the Administration building.”

I wait.

At six minutes after quitting time, my breathless supervisor hands my review to me, “Here it is, you can just sign it… right there.”

My overall rating is a “47” out of “100,” below par. I tell her I need more time to go over it before signing and, ask for a copy.

“Well, it’s supposed to be signed and turned in now… I can’t give you a copy, we’ll have to go over it tomorrow,” her lips divide the bottom portion of her face by a thin straight line

Today is “tomorrow” and I rise at 3:15 AM to pray. I have kept a written record of my work accomplishments for the past year. Some are quite stunning. But, my supervisor has acknowledged none on my review. I know I’m an excellent employee… often producing 120%, but, my disorganized and overwhelmed boss doesn’t know it. Some weeks I don’t see her at all — others, I may bump into her in the corridor once or twice, to rush along her side in order to get an answer to an important question. She has told me that she has deleted my Emails (they take too long to read) and often, she does not answer my phone messages. Another manager in the building usually alerts me about upcoming audits or important meetings I must attend.

Those who know me are aware that I love to fight battles. But, this morning, my entire consciousness is different because I start my day with prayer. Everywhere I look around my house reminds me of Jesus and the Bible. This morning, I sit on my couch waiting for an internal prompting, should I close my eyes and quietly rest in God’s presence? Or should I read my Bible?

Meatloaf 3:15. My eyes apprehend the note on my coffee table. I wrote it on Saturday to remind myself what time the meatloaf should should come out of the oven. I decide to read my Bible.

Feelings of defensiveness and self justification are swimming inside murky depths along with a still, small whisper that insists, “You should have talked to her before this… “

My boss doesn’t know me. Many times I chose to ignore the opportunities to let her know that I needed her to be mindful of what I was doing and what was happening in my department. Other times, during repeated attempts to talk to her, I would leave her office in frustration because she would answer her cell phone, and leave me standing idly by for ten or fifteen minutes while she laughed and talked to her husband or a friend. Other times I have walked in on her, then, quickly left, because she was busy on the computer balancing her checkbook or searching Cruise Ship vacations. During Christmas, on a number of occasions, she was on line ordering Christmas gifts.

And me? Have I been the harmed innocent in all this? No, I have criticized her to other staff, and pointed out these and other egregious flaws. I have been un-Christian-like and made direct or indirect comments to others about her wasting time and not doing her job. Charity? How much have I shown to her?

The prompting again tells me to not attach my list of achievements to the review. Beyond that, I search for other spiritual nudges. Nihil est. I must wait for further instructions.

My Dear Savior, Teach me to truly be Your disciple and represent Your life-giving love. I have so far to go before I can stand before You in clear conscience and say, “I am totally innocent.” Teach me what I must learn from this situation. Guide and direct me. I will not raise the flag of battle on my review, as I have been directed. Continue to lead me in Your ways. I surrender this situation to You. It’s so hard to be like You. Forgive me the log in my own eye. Amen.

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~ by Andrea T on May 15, 2008.

2 Responses to “Meatloaf 3:15 And Performance Reviews”

  1. You are “annonymous” that has commented on my site (CapturedByGod.wordpress.com), right? It took me this long to figure it out! I’m a little slow! I left a comment for you on my site after your last comment, but I don’t know if you got it. I just thought it was cool how you are pursuing God, and He is pursuing you. I’m glad I know this is your site so I can read it. I liked your prayer above, to hear your heart for God. Thank you for your encouragement. It hs meant to much to me! May God bless you.

  2. I’m so glad we found each others’ blog. I look to you for inspiration and encouragement also.

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