Evidence Of The Struggle

Gal 5:16-17 (GNB) 16 What I say is this: let the Spirit direct your lives, and you will not satisfy the desires of the human nature, 17 For what our human nature wants is opposed to what the Spirit wants, and what the Spirit wants is opposed to what our human nature wants. These two are enemies, and this means that you cannot do what you want to do.

At 4:00 AM this small New England city sleeps under a blanket of darkness. Yesterday’s near 100 degree temperatures have left my first floor apartment warm. Right now the weather channel’s desktop thermometer indicates the outside temperature is a cool 70 degrees. So, I have three fans positioned in front of open windows trying to cool it down inside. But, the heat inside my living room is not the most pressing problem; right now I’m sitting in front of my computer in a cool, summer nightgown and there are two houses across the way that, if its inhabitants are awake, I’m certain can see me inside, lit up and glowing from my computer monitor’s light. I’ve already gotten up three times to look out to ensure that no one is awake and peering into my windows. It’s 5:00 AM and I realize it has taken me an hour to write this short paragraph. I can’t see my keyboard at all and I have made numerous mistakes that needed correction. My eyes are also taking a lot of time adjusting from the brightly lit computer screen to the shadowed keyboard. My sitting in the dark, trying to type is like a metaphor for the ongoing struggle between Spirit and self. Had I thrown on a shirt an hour ago and turned on a light, my writing certainly would have gone much faster and, there would have been much less strain on my eyes. But, for some odd reason, I chose to fumble and squint in the dark when other options would have achieved a more optimal result. No wonder God gives us free will. Over and over, God gives me the awareness to understand where I’ve taken a wrong turn so I might not repeat the same mistake. Yet, He loves me so much, He gives me the opportunity to choose to do His will, and through this choice, I become a willing participant to become more like Him.

Lord God, I know You want me to be Your servant, yet, You won’t force this decision upon me. Help me to be patient with myself when my conflict results in failure or poor choices. The fact that there is evidence of a struggle means I have chosen to journey closer to You, and, for that I’m grateful. I ask You, dear Lord, keep this struggle alive in me, and through it, may my obedience to You strengthen. Amen.

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~ by Andrea T on June 10, 2008.

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