If I Fail, Will You Still Love Me, God?

 1 Col 1:28 What the world thinks is worthless, useless, and nothing at all is what God has used to destroy what the world considers important.

The world’s opinion of me never matters unless someone thinks I am very intelligent or talented. Despite this “verdict”, I will usually compare myself to others and find myself lacking. On the other hand, if the world declares me worthless and useless, a small nagging voice in my innermost soul agrees. Apparently, my self assessment is determined to remain in its present state, no matter what the judgment. 

However, over this past year since I last blogged, a new way of thinking about my relationship to and with God is slowly emerging and taking shape in my awareness. In fact, this altered way of seeing has come about from a discontent with a religion that emphatically states I must constantly strive and use human effort in order to become more “worthy” in God’s eyes. My inner being somehow finally realized that I would never be perfect enough to satisfy myself (or God for that matter), so I distanced from God. After all, who wants this entity that demands perfection always looking over one’s shoulder? The further away I pushed God, the better I felt about myself. But, I also found that I missed Him very much. A part of me was yearning to be in relationship, but it had to be unlike the way we were last.

Over this past year I have been drawn to reading things like Plain Truth Magazine which is slowly introducing me to the idea of a Gospel of Grace. I re-read Brennan Manning’s book, The Ragamuffin Gospel and right now am reading another by Brennan Manning,  A Glimpse of Jesus: The Stranger to Self Hatred. 

The idea that a God could (and would) still love me despite my imperfections is starting to permeate my awareness. Although, the idea has not fully been assimilated into my awareness, it is emerging as my new world view in relation to my belief in God. I’m excited, and full of joy but, cautiously reticent at the same time.  I will continue to explore and assimilate the notion that I am loved, no matter what or when I did something, and, no matter what state of imperfection I reside at this moment.

I will be looking forward to using this blog to write about my spiritual battleground as I continue in this new arena of battling my old beliefs that I must “do” in order to be accepted by God. I am beginning to believe that once I am able to fully accept his Grace and Love, only then will I be transformed and become a “new creation.” 

Dear Father in Heaven, thank You for this time away of descending into a pit of despair. I didn’t want to be around You, but I also felt incomplete without You. The tension of swirling thoughts and emotions were somehow what I needed to discover that You love me. No matter if I pray every day, or if I attend a church, or if I don’t feel like being good 100% of the time. You love me with a love that is beyond comprehension. I’m slowly making your unfathomable love an imprinted part of my consciousness. Thank you for loving me. Just as I am.

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~ by Andrea T on December 7, 2009.

16 Responses to “If I Fail, Will You Still Love Me, God?”

  1. I’m always looking for brand-new articles in the world wide web about this issue. Thx!

  2. Hey! This is David from the old Simply Ecclesia. It is good to see you write a post again. I hope you post more about your growing journey with God. I look forward to more posts. I do want to inform you of something:

    I never did renew my domain name Simply Ecclesia so that big anchor at the top of your blog that leads to http://simplyecclesia.com leads to some dude’s site who purchased my domain name and is now trying to make money it.

    Your wonderful posts can still be found at http://simplyecclesia.wordpress.com

    One last thing, if you don’t mind, I would love to trade links with you to my new blog. It is at http://mosaicmercy.com

    Let me know and I will get you added.

    Welcome back! 🙂

  3. Oh, I forgot to mention a book you may be interested in. It is called a A myth of a Christian Religion. It’s by Greg Boyd. I thought it was really good.

  4. I think everyone have the same problem like this… I know I have been this way and sometimes I still do. You have written it exactly how I feel and I am so touch with your honesty. Thanks for sharing your heart to the world. God bless you, 🙂

  5. Hi David! It’s so good to hear from you! I’d absolutely be honored to link blogs with you! Let’s do it!

    Also, I’m going to check out the book by Greg Boyd… sounds like something I need to read! God Bless you, Brother in Christ…

  6. Lydia, thanks so much for your words of encouragement! And, please come back!

  7. I was looking back over this post and noticed you said you were reading Brennan Manning. He is one of my favorite authors. He writes with mercy and grace and when I read one of his books I actually feel like God loves right where I am.

    I am getting chronic with this so please forgive me but I wanted to mention another author who to me reminds me of Manning. His name is Henri Nouwen. Like Manning he was a Catholic Priest. I’m not Catholic but I sure do enjoy their writing. Right now I am reading “The Way of the Heart” by Nouwen and highly recommend it. The guy was a scholar but wrote to the common man (woman). His writing inspires me to be closer to God. The thing I like about Manning and Nouwen is that they don’t say we need to come to God perfect but that we can come as we are, which is imperfect.

    Hope you don’t mind that I keep recommending books. I just feel like we are the type of people who contemplate life and life with God and want it to have true meaning to us.

    • David, Thanks for your recommendations. I will certainly follow up! And yes, I believe we are contemplatives searching for true meaning of God… Bless you…

  8. been awhile since i stopped this way–i too struggle with what you meantioned above and i have never realized how much i am attempting to earn his love–and so hard to change that thought–at least for me is very difficult–i talk about my struggles in bloggers world too–just started the one, and using the other for spiritual abuse awareness and struggles if you are interested—
    http://www.searchingforfaith.wordpress.com/ and the other is
    http://www.youwillriseagain.wordpress.com/ looking forward to your journey with you
    wen

    • I am going to check out your blogs right now! Thanks for visiting… It feels like I’m battling in the most difficult war to date: to accept myself and to see me as God sees me!

  9. my struggle too–let me know if you have any good “advice” on how to through it

    • It’s such a struggle. I pray and ask God, “Please let me see myself as You see me.” I am also trying to believe that He will change me in his time. Some days it’s hard. Thanks for your post.

  10. Put your trust to God, and He will lead you.
    I’m blessed when I’m reading blogs like this.. God bless you, dear.

  11. Brennan Manning is a great author for you to read. I enjoyed his other book, “The importance of foolishness”.

    I’d like to invite you to check out my new site. It’s called “Dear Pastor Andy” (http://dearpastorandy.blogspot.com/) and is Christian Apologetics based with a Q&A format. I really think you’ll benefit from it.

    • Thanks so much for your suggestion to read Brennan Manning… I love his book “The Ragamuffin Gospel.” I will visit your site… thanks so much for dropping by!

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