Disappointment vs Trust

•July 22, 2013 • Leave a Comment

google-wave-disappointmentI can’t seem to shake the disappointment I feel.  I was told that I was eligible for a social security widow’s benefit and after months of expectation and joy today I discovered it was all a mistake.

The monthly amount wasn’t much by today’s standards but it would have been a welcome and much-needed supplement to my small retirement check.  Enough to save up for a major car repair and to possibly help fix a leaky roof.  The months of anticipation at being released from some financial pressure have now collapsed into a smoldering mound of formless ash—like what is left at the bottom of a wood furnace after all the kindling has been consumed—indistinct and unrecognizable. Continue reading ‘Disappointment vs Trust’


Matthew 7:7 Finding God After Loss

•June 29, 2013 • Leave a Comment

which-way3001Mat 7:7  “Ask, and you will receive; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you.

I forget how to pray but I can remember when my prayers were ardently filled with worship, gratitude and requests for guidance.  I would cry and laugh like an impassioned child on her Father’s lap. I was close to God and He remained with me throughout the day.

Instead of seeking God these past two years of set-backs, misfortune and heartbreak, I have imploded within myself.  This thick wall of self protection is like impenetrable concrete standing firm against gale force winds and, it surrounds my soul and heart allowing nothing to enter or exit. How do I break it down? Only recently I discover this dense barrier is also preventing me from communicating with God.

I sit and with much effort I try to pray. Nihil est. I don’t know what to say or how to feel. I am discouraged and stop trying

 I think back to a relationship I once had with a friend who became very upset because I decided to move away from the area:  she refused to speak to me for almost a year. Suddenly, one day she called and apologized for her behavior and we are friends again. At first our conversations were stiff and stilted like we were two strangers who needed to discover one another again.   Even after two months of re-friendship there is still a slight artificiality that creeps in unnoticed when I speak of some event that took place during that year of silence–she wasn’t a part of my life and wouldn’t remember.

Maybe my connection and re-bonding with my Holy Father has to go through the same evolution and over time our rapport will grow more personal again. I will continue to seek Him.

Mat 7:8  For everyone who asks will receive, and anyone who seeks will find, and the door will be opened to those who knock.

Jehovah-shammah: The Lord is There

•June 20, 2013 • Leave a Comment


Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I worry. I have anxiety over my car’s breaking down and major repairs needing to be fixed in my RV. I am uneasy about the state of my health and whether or not the plans I’ve made for my future will come to pass. I am retired, live alone in the middle of nowhere and the nearest family I can depend on is 1,000 miles away. More often than not I am afraid. “What if I have a heart attack no one will know,” I often ask myself.

As you can imagine this stress causes much anxiety. Sometimes the panic is disquieting and my future appears so foreboding I can’t sleep at night and I overeat. This is not a recommended way to live.

Since I have been meditating on the names of God I am comforted to learn that He is also the God of my tomorrows. He already knows what lies ahead in my future and whatever happens, He is there watching for me. He is the God of my future and when I ponder on His word I know He will guide me along on the best pathway if I only trust Him and stay in communication with Him. I need only to be aware of the soft voice of the Holy Spirit whose messages are carried upon the gentlest of internal pathways, barely imperceptible unless I have stilled my mind to listen for His teachings.

Dear Abba, Thank You for reassuring me and allaying my fears when I meet with You in prayer and meditation. Concerns and anxiety disappear as if they never existed and I am calm. I am used to watching out for myself and many times I’m not even aware that I have taken my will back thus blocking Your intentions. Help me to rely on You and trust that You are in control. Amen

Immanuel: God With Us

•June 19, 2013 • Leave a Comment


Joh 14:16  I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, who will stay with you forever.

Joh 14:17  He is the Spirit, who reveals the truth about God. The world cannot receive him, because it cannot see him or know him. But you know him, because he remains with you and is in you.

Believing the Holy Spirit resides in me is a difficult concept to grasp. There are times when I am aware that something fills my being with a sense of love and peace; this usually occurs when I spend more than ten minutes in perfunctory prayer or when I focus without distraction. I glide through the day effortlessly as if a pathway is open for me to follow. Negative events occur and I know I am safe I am not worried or afraid; God is with me I’m certain.

I usually attribute this “Presence” as being outside of me, only entering my being when the conditions are “right.” To be honest I am sometimes motivated to pray solely for this resultant feeling of peace and tranquility but, my desires are not usually granted. I am also aware of my slant toward a performance-based belief which implies that there is always something I “must do” in order to experience God’s presence.  Yet, I know this manner of believing is certainly not Biblical. Jesus is saying the Holy Spirit resides in me now and apparently just being in relationship with my Heavenly Father is the prerequisite for Its indwelling to make Itself known to me.

Mat 28:20  …and I will be with you always, to the end of the age.

Jehovah Rohi: The Lord is My Shepherd

•May 23, 2013 • Leave a Comment



Psalm 23 New Century Version (NCV)

The Lord the Shepherd

A psalm of David

23 The Lord is my shepherd;

    I have everything I need.

2 He lets me rest in green pastures.

    He leads me to calm water.

I am researching to see if black sheep in Biblical times were given the same care and protection by the shepherd as white sheep. Unfortunately, after reading Wikipedia and other random articles it appears that no one but me is trying to find the answer.

You see I am a black sheep and black coloring in sheep is a recessive gene. From what I can deduce (and it’s not much) other sheep seem to know there is something a bit different about a black sheep and usually aren’t as welcoming to her in the flock.  Being a recessive gene also means there aren’t very many black sheep and when one appears, the event is not usually received with joy.

Like the black sheep, I have had to carefully tread through dangerous valleys and over sharp rocks on my own.  More often than not it’s hard to keep up with the herd if they deliberately avoid you or don’t care if you’ve slipped off the side of a cliff.  I’m really trying to find out if Jesus cared the same for the black sheep in his flock?

You may have guessed by now I want to know if I can claim the 23rd Psalm as a reassurance that it was written for me too, one of the black sheep of the world.  Tears sting my eyes and a sudden thought occurs: Jesus had a habit of hanging out with lepers, sinners and other undesirables of His day, surely, He would have felt even more compassion for the rejected black sheep.  Yes, our Lord loves me too. I am certain.

4 Even if I walk through a very dark valley,

    I will not be afraid,

because you are with me.

    Your rod and your shepherd’s staff comfort me.



El Roi: The God Who Sees Me

•May 22, 2013 • Leave a Comment








Genesis 16:13 New Century Version (NCV)

13 The slave girl gave a name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are ‘God who sees me,’” because she said to herself, “Have I really seen God who sees me?”

It seems as if nothing has gone right lately.  Between the roof’s constant leaking and things needing to be fixed on the car never a day goes by without something else breaking down.

On some days, even though the sun is shining I can’t see it through the worry and fear for my future.

Today, an Email devotional speaks of the names of God and mentions El Roi,

The God Who Sees Me.  For some strange reason this Name brings me comfort. Certainly if He is the God Who sees me, then, He knows all of my needs.  I think of Scriptures that tell of this “all watchful and all seeing God:”

He has my name written on the palm of His hand, He knows the number of hairs on my head… I feel a sense of guilt because I have not been consistent in my prayer life .  Immediately a thought occurs: His love and care are not conditional. He is not a God who keeps score.  However, if I really saw God as He is would I ever doubt that He has forgotten me? I guess not.

I look out the window and a brilliant blue sky is dotted with white puffy clouds.  The sun’s rays illuminate the landscape and I know I am safe.

2 Chronicles 16:9 New Century Version (NCV)

9 The Lord searches all the earth for people who have given themselves completely to him. He wants to make them strong.

The Journey of Prayer

•February 21, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Job 11:13  Surrender your heart to God, turn to him in prayer

prayImportant questions are answered through prayer.

Insights come quickly — as an idea comes into mind — I know He hears.

What occurs during prayer is profound. He reveals answers to me. He shows me my path and guides me where to go. I don’t know what lesson will be taught nor, what I should ask for but once again, I am changed just from sitting with Him in worship and in prayer.

The insights tumble out. I’m writing as each new thought and idea comes into my awareness. A state of willingness, obedience, surrender and respect stills me and the revelations appear.

Prayer is no doubt the absolute most important time of my day.

Rom 8:26  In certain ways we are weak, but the Spirit is here to help us. For example, when we don’t know what to pray for, the Spirit prays for us in ways that cannot be put into words.

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