Proverbs 3:5 and Surrender

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. KJV

I am 72 years old and have just lately started to understand the word surrender in a Biblical sense. Looking back through the years where I thought I was giving my problems to God and truly surrendering to His will, I was not. Far from it. I almost immediately took the problem or issue back and tried to resolve it myself. I call it my curse of independence.

I left home when I was sixteen years old quit school, got a job, and rented my own apartment. My Mother and I didn’t get along well. I was stubborn and resistant to being told what to do. I gave her a lot of heartache and headaches with my strong will. When I brought up the subject of moving out she willingly went along with my idea and signed papers emancipating me. I subsequently had two children and survived three divorces. I never asked my family for help.

I don’t know if my refusal to completely surrender has to do with my extreme independence or my stubbornness. Ironically my best ideas on how to solve a problem come right after I ask God to resolve the issue for me. Even more of a mystery, I never noticed this coincidence until recently. I can tell you this… it is extremely difficult for me to hold up a white flag and say, “God, do this for me. I can’t do it on my own.” I am trying, now that I am aware and it’s certainly a struggle.

Jeremiah 29:11 and Hopefulness

So many things have happened since I last posted. I have become more disabled and in a wheelchair full time, diagnosed with esophageal cancer and stage four kidney disease. All have brought me closer to God, prayer and meditation. I went five months without a home health aide, no car, and with only partial use of two shoulders. God and prayer got me through it all. What do people do who don’t believe?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:!1, NIV.

At first, I was resentful and. I thought my life was much better when I was able to go for long hikes in the woods (hiking was my passion.) Then, as each new diagnosis was revealed I was certain I was being singled out by the universe for punishment and despair. When I felt like there was nowhere to turn, I came limping back to God… Fully and completely. Through daily meditation, prayer and silence I realize when I had my glorious hikes I didn’t need God. When I could walk and not be focused on cancer or my kidneys God was there, but barely. Now, I clutch on to him as if letting go would cause my total destruction. And, I believe that’s true for me. I have come to know God on a much more personal level and even believe that through my physical tragedies all were necessary for me to get into this closer relationship with my creator. Thank you, God for drawing me so near I am grateful.

Black Cats, Tuna Fish and Matthew 6:25

Matthew 6:25 (ESV) “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

I open a can of tuna fish and in a few minutes, the stray black cat with glowing, yellow eyes licks the bowl clean. Still snorting and snuffling, he abruptly leaves,only to return to my back door, the next day, and the next. Now, three months later, “Blackie,” darts over to me out of nowhere when he hears my car’s motor and I am returning home from work. His very survival apparently, now depends on me.

I want to have an extreme hunger for God, just like my part-time pet has for Chicken-of-the-Sea Chunky Light Albacore. In Matthew 6:25, Jesus tries to tell us that our priorities need to be re-ordered so we are much more concerned about our spiritual life with Him, than we are worried about “un-necessary” things of this material realm. Food. Clothes. Aren’t we spiritual beings living in a hypnotic, physical world? Without Him for our real sustenance, we will surely die. “Blackie” the cat knows, without a doubt what he needs for survival. Do we?

Lord God, Oh, that I might have the gift of desperation to seek and search for You every day; to know with certainty that my soul dies a little more each time its divine connection to its source of life, You, is severed. I want to be close to You so I might be able to effectively serve others. Help me so I hunger only for You. Amen.

3-Second Delays and Isaiah 40:31

Isaiah 40: 31 (NIV) but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I’m at the stage of my spiritual journey where I’m acutely aware of my sinful nature. In fact, throughout my day it seems as if a huge mental fog light searches through the corners of my mind and immediately detects wrongdoing a few seconds before I commit the act, (I call it my Three-Second Delay Phenomenon.) Of course, some sinful things I do have a much longer “lead time” than just three seconds, like the time I called in work “sick” when I really wasn’t. That day was highlighted on my wall calendar more than a week before my imaginary “illness”occurred.

Psalm 84:10 and Doorkeepers

Psalm 84:10 (NCV) One day in the courtyards of your Temple is better than a thousand days anywhere else. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the Temple of my God than live in the homes of the wicked.

Reading my Bible this morning, I realize that Psalm 84 accurately expresses my immediate internal stage of “Battle-Readiness.” I remember clearly the blessed times of being in His “Courtyard,” and I yearn so deeply to be there again.

Have I moved slightly closer to You, oh God? Today, I started my day with Your word. The sudden, almost imperceptible, changes in my thoughts result in a massive outward alteration of my daily actions. Today, I communed with You.

Dear Lord, I changed my mind, I don’t want to be Your doorkeeper anymore, can we leave the entrance un-guarded…just for today? I don’t want to regulate the flow of pilgrims coming and going into Your courtyard. I don’t want to stand from a distance, checking each person’s readiness to ENTER. I want to step over the threshold and be deep inside: near You, with You and there, in Your courtyard, I can see in my mind’s eye, both of us, beckoning to the distant doorkeeper, “Leave your post, come on inside, with us.”

Memories of Racism

I remember my friend, Margo.  We were neighbors and couldn’t have been more than six or seven years old.  We laughed and played and picked dandelion bouquets for our Mothers.  One time Margo’s Mom had a children’s party; she provided us with a jar of liquid and the first one who reached the second floor window with a bubble won a prize. We all blew frantically into the little plastic hoops and there was much laughter and fun.  We all got a consolation prize whether we reached the goal or not. We used to sleep over each other’s house some weekends in the same large bed, arms wrapped around each other; her dark brown skin contrasting with  my white.  I thought she was beautiful and I recall sitting out in the sun trying to tan myself to be as chocolate-toned as she was,  It never happened…I got sunburned instead. We walked to school together and one morning two boys ran up to us, one of them spit on Margo and the other called me a “nigger lover.”  Margo cried and I was angry.  When we got to school a teacher told us that some people didn’t like dark skin.  I remember being confused then and still am today how the color of one’s skin can cause so much hatred.

They say that racism is taught or modeled by ones parents or environment.  Does education or lack of it contribute to this loathing?  Where is this diseased part of us inside so that it can be found, cut out, and the poison removed?  If we think we are an advanced country our rioting for justice proves we are not. Why riot if all were treated equally as our Constitution supposedly guarantees?

When I was in college I wrote a paper on racism. The conclusion of my research stated that militancy was found to be the only effective method to bring about change.  Our courageous protesters are facing arrest, risking physical harm and are certainly the vehicles for hope and change in our world.  They are heroes too.

Rescue Me From Myself

Where are you Lord. My pride and self-will have pushed You away. I have not made the time for communion with You or your word these past few days.

This resistance to my having a relationship with You has become so great. Each morning I feel the prodding to pray: Yet, each morning, I ignore Your nudge. When I deny Your Holy Spirit, my will is in control, not You. I am guided by my own thoughts and decisions. In effect, I am telling You that my own sufficiency is enough… I don’t need you.